Life always catches you.

*Warning: This is one of those rambling on and on posts that no one can follow...**

Life always does.. we run and we run and we run but we always get caught. I have been running since December. I decided to figure out a new dream, to make a plan, to be comfortable, perfect and happy. Well none of those things have happened, mainly because I've been avoiding the work I've needed to do.
Life is sloppy and scary and you never know what's around the corner. I am moving again in May and I just don't want it to be another escape. I want to find my happiness, I want to see what I need to see, and more importantly, I want to quit avoiding life. Buuuut on the other side, I am a HOT MESS. My god.
I just want to live my life in a way that makes me happy and brings happiness to those around me. I don't know that there's something or someone waiting for me on the other side and who's to say what's right or wrong? I know I'm not. I'll probably never know until the day I die. So until then, keep hanging on and whatever you choose to hang on to, is perfectly okay. 

Xoxo 

Let's be real.

I may not always be the most forward person but I sure can be sassy. I'm not very social. I hate most people, actually. I hate big crowds. Having a social butterfly of a boyfriend is extremely hard. But he's still my favorite and he forces me to go out of my comfort zone which isn't always a bad thing. 

I absolutely cannot stand alcohol (despite what I may have done or said in the past). Alcohol ruins lives. My dad is in prison because of a night filled with drinking and drunk mistakes. I come from a family of alcoholics and all I've seen is ruined relationships, ruined careers, and a lot of bad. If you need alcohol to have fun or relax or feel any type of way, I honestly don't want to be around you. But it's not just alcohol, I feel the same about drugs also. I don't care if you like drinking or shooting up, we all have vices I guess. But I just don't want to be that way or part of that. End of story. 

I'm missing home a lot today. I miss the snow, driving fast around slippery corners, building snowmen with my niece and nephew, curling up next to my grandpa's fireplace, baking an excessive amount of cupcakes and cookies; everything that I was used to is gone. It's not here and it sucks. I want, more than anything, to go home and stay home. I'm not the type of person to move 600+ miles away and love it. I want my family back. So many people have said they'd be disappointed if I didn't stay in school and follow "my" dreams. But this isn't what I want. I want to be home. Why isn't it socially acceptable to live in my mom's basement for my whole life? :( buuuut I am a people pleaser, so I'd rather make my family and friends proud rather than make myself happy. So for now, I'm accruing more college debt by the day, and suffering through my misery. 

Xoxo

Let's talk about...

Let's talk about conflict, boys, women, and everything else that's on my mind. 

First of all, why do we avoid conflict? I am very good at running away from every little bump that comes my way. Why can't I just man up and be like "you pissed me off." Why do I let little angry feelings grow and grow until I yell at the random guy I work with? But I've noticed I'm not the only one that is good at ignoring the real issues. My roommate does the same thing. Oh well. I don't need to see my roommate ever. And I'm not asking what's wrong because ya know, I enjoy running away also. 

BOYS. Hahah. That is all. 

As you know, I go to a Christian University. And yup, I'm a bit of a feminist. Being a feminist and a christian is unheard of. And around here it is basically the same as committing murder, maybe worse. After making a sarcastic remark that I would officiate at some girls wedding, I was told that no women should ever lead over a man.. I honestly didn't even know what to say. I just stayed silent and ran away from the conflict at hand. According to 1 Timothy 2:12 which says "I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet." Okay okay okay, what? I wonder how many misinterpretations of that verse exist? How am I supposed to know which one is the right one? But right now, we are part of the twenty-first century where women have equal rights and supposedly have for a while now.  I'm just as much a part of the fallen world as you are and I'm going to take advantage of that and have all the authority over men I want. 

I don't even know anymore. I'm still trying to figure out this place and these people and this faith. 

Until next time. 

Xoxo 

Who are you? Who am I?

Well as of today, you're just a reader and this is my first blog post, bear with me..
I am a student at a very strict, Christian, private university. I am one of some 3,000 students who all worship one God. A God who these people claim to be amazing (no, I don't doubt that this God is amazing). But ya know, I'm not so sure about the whole thing. I am just a girl trying to pass calculus, who says I have to be a Christian to do that? I'm not writing to you because I want to trigger emotional angst or for some bible banger to tell me the things I hear everyday. Remember, I go to a Christian university. Don't get me wrong, I love this school. The people are generally kind and accepting but I often wonder how many of these students are Christians and how many are here for the same reasons I am and who says they have to be Christian? I remember applying for this school and thinking the application was some kind of joke, but that's a story for a different day. Why is it that if I openly said I wasn't sure of my faith when I applied that I wouldn't be allowed to attend this school? Why do I have to be a Christian to get this level of education?

Let's talk about school. Well 5 days a week, I am forced to attend chapel for 45 minutes a day, we usually sing some songs and listen to a pastor or motivational speaker (sometimes, I fall asleep, but shh). We can't have boys in our rooms, no alcohol, no drugs, no tobacco and we have a curfew. I know that doesn't even sound like college but it's my college experience and so far I don't totally mind it. The only thing I could live without is having christianity be the only religion I hear about, and who says its the correct religion. Okay, yeah I believe in God, I read the bible, and I am a sinner. Most of the time, I feel like the only non-virgin at this school; sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has ever even been kissed (ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration). But WHY does it have to be Christianity?

I guess you're probably wondering why I'm at this school if I don't consider myself a Christian. Hmm. I'm still trying to figure that out.

Xoxo